When I was a kid, literally the one on the cover of this article, there was this notion that when we grow up, we'll just all magically know what to do.
It's as if we assumed that the older we get, the better we'll become at handling life. Somehow, it always felt like there was this unspoken belief that age and wisdom had a direct, linear relationship, you know, like this:
I am now 28, and through my lived experience, I am observing that this graph is not always the case. And when I observe all those around me, I think they would share this same reflection.
As we navigate our way through life, we encounter unique experiences that play a part in shaping us. And our expectation for the personal growth, if we had to visualise it, would go something like this:
In a simple formula:
lived experience = better future decision on same topic But it rarely seems that simple. Often, instead of gaining clarity, we can also end up muddling the water and adding unneeded complexity.
Here's a clip for you:
This short video went viral. In a country like the United States where racial tensions seem to be never ending. Here are two kids from different backgrounds, embracing each other. That's wisdom, I'd say.
And like these children, we may start with a clear mindset on a certain topic, but after being thrown a few curveballs in life, we begin to develop biases. And these biases begin to cloud our judgement and lead us to react in ways that aren't always the most productive or helpful.
Leading to building internal walls of thinking.
I really should be a graphic designer.
One aspect of life where this I've seen this to be particularly evident is in dating.
At times, I can be the nosy friend, always enthusiastically enquiring about people’s dating lives. And now, having asked people across all different generations, one thing I’ve noticed is that when we’re younger, we tend to approach new relationships with a more open mind.
We’re curious, perhaps even a little naive. We dive in, not worrying too much about the future or what may go right or wrong. We’re in the moment, just going with the flow. But as we get older, things to seem to shift. We start "thinking" more.
Instinctually, these "thoughts" act as a defence mechanism. Perhaps we have been through an experience with somebody that didn’t work out, and so we don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. So we analyse and evaluate our new partners in ways we never did before, in order to try protect ourselves.
We set up a criteria: what we want, what we don't want, and what we need. We create an echo chamber in our minds: “I only like X characteristic”, or “I’m not wasting time on anyone who doesn’t have Y.”
We're looking for green flags, avoiding red ones, rather than just flowing.
I believe this same pattern shows up in other areas of life, too. As we get older, we start putting ourselves into fixed categories of what we’re good at and what we’re not. We say things like, “Oh, I’m not good at that,” as if that was somehow eternal.
And these self-imposed limits are rarely challenged by our peers. The ambition and fearlessness we once had as kids - the willingness to try, fail, and try again - can get lost.
We play it safe, which, while it may comforting, also can stifle major growth.
And then.... in some peoples cases.... anxiety can creep in.
"Anxiety is something that is part of me, but it is not who I am" to quote Emma Stone.
Inside Out 2, for those who haven't seen it, is a masterpiece. It follows the story of a teenager going through adolescence and how a new emotion, 'anxiety,' enters her personality. The film shows how this emotion can completely uproot the protagonist at pivotal moments in life.
As the film aptly reveals, it's not just about eliminating anxiety or chasing pure joy, but embracing the idea that our unique selves are shaped by the full spectrum of our lived experiences - it's this complexity that makes us truly beautiful and one-of-a-kind.
why it's ok that wisdom and age aren't always linear
First off, you have gotten wiser in a lot of ways.
So that's the good news. You’ll have those moments where you think, “I’ve been through this before, I know what to do,” and that's reassuring, like a little win of the day.
But for the areas where you still feel like you’re stumbling around? Also all good. I believe our journeys aren’t meant to be perfect, and they're certainly not linear. What really matters is keeping sight of the things that ground us - being kind, staying connected, and nurturing the relationships that matter, both with others and with ourselves.
Sometimes, the real magic happens when we blend what we’ve learned with that carefree optimism we had when we were younger.
There’s something really powerful about trusting the process and accepting that not having it all figured out is, in fact, part of the journey.
To quote the great Margaret Atwood:
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement"
So, next time your pondering about a decision, the best answers could already within us, from years ago.
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